Getting married over 40: fashion for the meringue-averse bride

Tina Knowles with friends and family at her recent wedding. Photograph: Instagram

“Women are often wearing a cool pantsuit or a glamorous all-in-one as an alternative to the traditional wedding dress,” says Natalie Kingham, buying director at Matchesfashion.com. Recent bride Tina Knowles looked chic, but could have taken a leaf out of her daughter Solange’s book, whose recent wedding attire included a jumpsuit and matching cape. Today, the identikit wedding with the rigid dress code feels passé and unappealing. Who wants all the fuss, fascinators and a debt burden to rival that of Greece?

These questions are particularly relevant if, like me, the people around you getting married are in their 40s and over. And for some of them it’s not the first time.

“I didn’t want to wear white. I never wear white,” says 41-year-old photographers’ agent Harriet Margolies, who got hitched in a purple Amanda Wakeley evening dress that cost £400 in the sale and was customised by a friend. “I like a big, extravagant frock, but I wanted to feel like me. Not like I was in costume.”

Feeling relaxed and comfortable and not as if you’re in fancy dress is the modern way – as Kingham concurs: “The feedback we have had is that women want to feel special, to look and feel their best but, most importantly, they want to feel like themselves.”

Spending loads of money on a princess-for-a-day dress that’s going to end up in mothballs seems unnecessary. Particularly if it’s a second wedding: “Mature women marrying for the second time often look for something structured that isn’t too flouncy and over the top,” continues Kingham. “Dolce & Gabbana and Erdem are popular because they make beautiful lace dresses that work for a wedding and can be worn again.”

Style blogger Lisa Carnochan describes her experience: “The first time round I obsessed over a dress I’d seen in a magazine and hunted everywhere until I found it. The second time, I cared less and only went shopping because my sister wanted to go and bring her daughter along.” At the age of 57, Carnochan chose a one-shouldered white tulle teadress, subsequently altered to remove a couple of frilly layers: “I like to think wear and tear on a woman increases tulle’s style quotient. And I’m not usually a fan of asymmetry, but there was nothing about being 57 that would stop me one-shouldering.”

This contemporary approach is something retailers are considering. The ShopStyle website has an online boutique dedicated to alternative wedding dresses featuring designers such as Valentino, Emilia Wickstead and The Row, as well as high-street favourites such as Ghost’s Hollywood Cassidy style that can be dyed to order. Taking the anti-wedding approach is Julia Douglas, a former head of brand publications at M&S, with the soft launch of her new MyDayMyWay website. “The plan is to ditch the cliches that are so prevalent in this industry and to give the bride more choice. If someone calls up and wants a white biker jacket, I will source it for them.”

And men are moving things forward, too. Photographer Tom Parker plans to marry in June wearing a bright-green suit and trainers, while strategy director Patrick Lodge tied the knot with his husband dressed in a Paul Smith shirt and pair of old jeans. “We deliberately didn’t want any fanfare,” says Hodge, “I just wanted to buy stuff I’d wear again, which would remind me of a really happy time. My whole thing was that it didn’t have to be an orgy of commerce.”

Could this more-relaxed attitude be an age-related phenomenon for the older and wiser? With maturity comes an appreciation for the things that really matter and less of a tendency to play keeping up with the Joneses. “I think it’s definitely age,” adds Lodge. “I’m 44 and I know that I don’t need that much money to have a great time. It’s down to the ingredients: the right mix of people, the mood and where you are.”

Wedding costs can quickly grow, but couples need not say ‘I do’ to paying an average of £7,500 on their big day

Wedding daze: couples should think creatively to cut spending on their big day. Photograph: Tetra Images/Alamy

The wedding season is in full swing, and while some couples are happy to throw cash around like confetti, others try to slash the cost of their big day. Those tying the knot can expect to pay an average of £7,500, according to Nationwide building society (that’s for couples of all ages, which includes the lower amounts older couples tend to spend), or more than £24,000 if you’re a reader of Brides Magazine.

But celebrating with a bit of fanfare doesn’t have to break the bank. In fact, it is perfectly possible to tie the knot for less than a grand.

The basics

To be legally married, costs start at around £120. That covers fees for the notice of marriage (£35 for each partner) and a brief registry office service on a weekday. In Chester, for example, hiring a room in the city centre registry office that seats 50 guests costs £49, and that includes the marriage certificate (usually £3.50). The cost of this type of basic, legal service is about the same anywhere in the UK, including more expensive cities such as London.

If you want to get married in an approved venue (you cannot just do it in your local pub), you will need to pay for a registrar, which can easily run to £400 at weekends, and you will also have to fork out for the hire of a venue. If you want a religious service costs will vary again – a Church of England wedding, for example, will set you back £413.

The dress

Brides spend an average of £1,098 on their dress, according to the magazine You & Your Wedding, but there are an increasing number of cheaper options on the high street, where wedding dresses start from about £150. If you are willing to wear a secondhand frock, check out Oxfam’s online shop or one of its 11 bridal departments across the UK – grooms can have their pick of suits from just £20.

There are also specialist second-hand websites, charity shops and eBay – which is where newlywed Alex Fitton, a London-based chef, found her dress. She says: “It was a vintage dress in a shorter, informal style, and it cost £45. I bought plain shoes from Primark and made them sparkly with glue and glitter.”

Brides happy to wear “something borrowed” could use a friend’s dress or find an outfit for free on websites such as Freecycle or Freegle. Other ideas include making your own (see eHow.co.uk for ideas) or buying material and paying a local seamstress.

You don’t have to limit yourself to the wedding department of shops, either. This year there are plenty of white and ivory lace dresses in fashion, which may prove cheaper (fingers crossed, though, that one of your guests doesn’t turn up in the same dress).

The venue

Opting for a Sunday or off-peak winter wedding will help you avoid the high rates charged for summery Saturdays. “Even the very best venues have quieter times, so check when they are and negotiate costs if you take an off-peak date, or investigate local restaurants that have a private dining room you could use,” advises wedding planner Liz Taylor of the Taylor Lynn Corporation.

You can also cut costs by throwing a garden party if friends or family have a large enough space, having a picnic in the park or beside a river, or hiring a local pub with a garden. Last July, Jennifer Earle had her reception in a pub. “We played music on our iPods in the garden and borrowed garden games for free entertainment,” she says.

Local community centres are also a popular cost-saving option. Jo Dyer, who lives in Plymouth, had her reception in a village hall. “We booked it from Friday through to Sunday. This meant we had plenty of time to set it up and take the decorations down – and it cost £300,” she says.

Sites such as Halls for Hire, Hallshire.com and Hall Hire UK list everything from tiny local halls at £4 an hour to Grade II-listed castles. And don’t let the exterior put you off. Charlotte Ward, who is getting married in her old school grounds in Kent in August, has come up with a good solution. “I’ve arranged to have my wedding photos taken at a nearby museum with prettier grounds, in exchange for a donation,” she says.

Food and drink

Couples spend an average of £1,449 on wedding food and drink, according to research by VoucherCodes.co.uk. Ways to slice those costs include having your do later in the day (you then only have to feed your guests once rather than providing both lunch and evening food), buying food from a local restaurant rather than hiring caterers, and serving canapés as your starter and wedding cake as pudding.

If you can make a cake, or rope in a family member to make it, the ingredients can cost as little as £30 for 50 guests if you ditch the traditional fruit cake and whip up a sponge. This compares with an average of £660 for a professionally made cake. For example, the BBC’s Good Food website says its zingy lemon wedding cake costs less than a fiver to make – so if you slice it into eight, a £4.90 cake works out at 61p per guest.

For substantial savings, ask your guests to contribute food to your celebrations instead of buying gifts. Fitton says: “I suggested recipes and people made a portion big enough for about six people. There was plenty of food and guests took the leftovers home.”

There are also ways to save on wedding drinks. “We’ve bought Prosecco from Italy at £4.50 rather than £10 a bottle,” Ward says: “And we’re drinking out of jam jars instead of hiring glasses from the bar.”

Costs drop further if you make your own wine, cocktails, beer and cordials. Dyer served elderflower champagne for the toast. “It went down really well and cost only a few pounds,” she says.

Try this recipe from Andy Hamilton, author of Booze for Free.

Other costs

Forget the expensive gold-edged invitations and table decor – many couples send out emails and make their own decorations. “We printed our invites ourselves for about £34, but when people RSVPd we emailed the arrangements over,” Earle says. “Guests said this was handy as they had the details on their phone, and it was free.”

For photos, you can ask guests to upload their snaps to a dedicated website so you can take your pick and create an album online – or you can put disposable cameras on every table. Other ideas include asking a friend to act as photographer or paying a student from a local photography or art college.

There are social media sites such as Pinterest where you can find inspiration for creating homemade table decorations and stationery at a fraction of the cost of buying them ready-made.

Growing your own floral bouquet and buttonholes is also popular – seeds can be bought for a few pounds (or are even free at seed swaps) and you can grow posies in jam jars and then pick them fresh on the day.

Or you might prefer to go for dried flower arrangements. “We’ve bought lavender for the tables,” Ward says. “It works out at about £1.10 per table.”